A Duodecennial Epiphany

    While fidgeting my Google account, I saw my blog which I started on April of 2012.

    Yes. 2-0-1-2. *Cue 2012 by Jay Sean*

    I was having a good laugh reading the four lone blogposts I had then; it was all pointed towards my 17th birthday, and I cannot, for the love of me, muster the courage I had for posting those. It was a total cringe fest. I reverted those entries back to my drafts and treated myself to a cup of nostalgia scrolling photos, posts, and other mementos when life was less complicated. Then a rush of sadness enveloped my being. 

    I miss the 17-year-old girl brave enough to speak her heart out. Where did she go? She turned out to be an anxious 29-year-old who needs a serious mind decluttering therapy for all the worries and overthinking sessions she spent the last 12 years. I miss that teen who sets her mind on she believes she can achieve, unbothered by rejections and judgement this cruel world may throw at her. 

    Life got in the way. I grew up.

    It has been over a week since I unearthed this platform. The last time I poured my heart out in ink was when I was told by my therapist to do so, or else my mental state will suffer worse. I've been mostly doing academic and technical writing for my work. I think that's where I got it wrong - I sucked the happiness out of the one activity I enjoy doing. 

    Life got in the way. I was and still am too hard on myself.

    When I was diagnosed with mild anxiety this 2024, I realized that my sanity took a toll in running the rat race. This is the first time I am openly speaking about it because I am afraid to be seen as weak and fragile. I learned the hard way that this is a dog-eat-dog world, and I have invested much in putting up a strong-willed persona only to be looked down on. I became drunk with the resolve of achievement measuring my worth. My subconscious has been warning me to slow down, but I ignored it until it started throwing the white towel.

    Life got in the way. It will always do, but life didn't say to run tirelessly.

    I know better. After all this time, why just now?

    If finding this blog is the universe's way of telling me to start fresh, slow down, and rethink my purpose: why not? 

    And so, this is my duodecennial epiphany: I will start bringing joy back to what I love. I will start writing again to express my soul. For you who reads this musing: take happiness in the pauses of life; it's a way of reminding you to refocus on what really matters.